You’re Just Too Nice
These four words were uttered to me on two separate occasions, by two different women right before they broke up with me. In that moment, like any regular person, an abundance of emotions swarmed through my body. They included confusion, anger, sorrow, self doubt, among a grand list of other things. People who typically have a secret crush ache at the fact that they can’t get out of the friend zone if they’re even that close. Some would say it’s the worst feeling in the world, but I beg to differ. In fact, I believe that being in the prime position you want to be in and then being demoted is far worse than being stuck some petty friend zone. That’s like your boss saying, “You’re good at your job. In fact, you’re too good at your job so I’m going to have to let you go.” How Sway?! (in my best Kayne West voice) At the time, I thought the point of any relationship was to make your partner happy, but that isn’t the case. Some people have different versions of being happy and trying to conform to each aspect of it is easier said than done. Two burning questions still remain. Does the nice guy/girl always finish last? And what is the hidden meaning behind ‘you’re too nice’? Here are five things you should watch out for if you feel like the single life is calling.
1) You Don’t Argue.
Arguing can be a very nasty battle that no one wants to be a part of. If you’re anything like my wife, things can be said or done that you wouldn’t think could come out of a loving person so small. I hate you, you weren’t ready for marriage, I can’t wait to go home, are just some of the light things my wife would say to me when we didn’t see eye to eye. Over time, I’ve learned not to take these things personal and definitely not to add fuel to the fire on my end, but arguing is not always a bad thing. The fact of the matter is, arguing is one of the most basic ways to communicate with your partner on your needs and wants. Sure it starts off small with you not taking the trash out properly, but then you dig below the surface and the real issue is you don’t care enough about your little responsibilities. This may translate over to you not being ready for your big responsibilities like being a parent one day in the eyes of your partner. That got deep fairly quick, but the dialogue is necessary to get those feelings expressed so you can do better. If you’re being too nice, like I was in past relationships, then confrontation is your last resort. Not having a single argument sounds like the dream, but it can be interpreted in a different way. I’ve been told that when I don’t want to argue, I give off the attitude that I don’t care. Which I totally understand why because when you argue with someone, you’re arguing about something you have passion for. Your views, your lifestyle, and everything else that makes you who you are is worth arguing for. If you’re not passionate about your own individuality, how can you be a part of a power couple who supports each other when it’s you two against the world? Moral of the story…argue. The make up sex is worth it.
2) You’re A Push-Over.
This kind of ties into my first point. Most people can get used to a yes-man/woman being around, but in a relationship it can get pretty boring. Especially when you’re making all the decisions and your partner just agrees with you. Typically, when this happens, the person who is the push-over is the one being taken advantage of. It’s human nature to take your partner for granted, especially when they’re willing to let you do it. Having your way all the time can be monotonous and sooner or later the limits will be tested. When the person getting pushed over reaches their tipping point with their back against the wall they finally step up, but it’s too late. Your partner could become confused by your actions because you never expressed your true feelings prior. As the push-over, this is the worse possible position you can be in. Not only did you wait to long to make a stand, chances are you’re eventually going to moonwalk out of the confrontation giving the other person more power. Don’t give up so easily and express yourself sooner.
3) You Don’t Stand Up For Your Partner.
This is probably one of the biggest mistakes made by people being too nice in a relationship. Your relationship should be one of the top priorities in your life. Once you and another person agree to be together you are sworn to protect each other, love each other, confide in each other, and anything else that is secret to only you two. That’s kind of hard to do when your second aunt on your mother’s side doesn’t approve of your girlfriend or your older brother despises your boyfriend because he doesn’t watch football. Family and friends can ruin your relationship. I repeat, FAMILY AND FRIENDS CAN RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Sometimes the people who love you and think they’re doing you a favor by talking bad about your partner can also be the person who unintentionally holds you back in life.
I remember dating a girl in high school who ended a relationship with one of her best friends over the summer. I was friends with both of them so I didn’t want to get caught it the middle, but every chance the ex-bestie got she would let me know what a terrible mistake I had made. Not once did I stand up for my girlfriend at the time or my relationship. To avoid confrontation, I would give a passive laugh or try to change the subject. Under no circumstances was this acceptable. I should have told our once mutual friend, “Hey, I know you two don’t get along, but me and her are together now. If you can’t respect her, at least respect our relationship and don’t say these things around me.” That conversation never happened and I was given the words of the title soon after. People typically don’t want to be in a relationship where their partner doesn’t defend them.
4) Your Partner Is Attracted To Assholes.
Most people know at least one person who has a crazy girlfriend or a douchebag boyfriend and if not, then it’s possible that you are that person in the crappy relationship. The only question that is ever asked is, “Why are you with this him/her?” Everyone has their reasons why they do things that don’t make sense to the masses and no judgement is being passed here. But every now and then the roller coaster relationship grows tiresome and that person decides they want something new. So they may change over to someone a little nicer than what they’re used to. If you’re dating someone and they tell you, “You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever dated before.” You might want to bookmark that conversation because it may be one of the root reasons why you two didn’t last.
The second girl that broke up with me because I was too nice told me this because her previous boyfriends (yes plural) always got abusive with her. I told her I would never put my hands on her and I kept my word. We never argued, I gave her everything I could, but three months later she broke up with me. Why would she give up this supposedly great relationship she never had if I was doing everything right? Well, it’s almost like a dare devil retiring from his antics for health reasons and becoming an accountant (No disrespect to the profession of accounting. My mother is an accountant). Yeah, he knows that it’s better for his future to sit behind that desk, but every so often the itch comes back to remind him of who he was. The temptation is easy to fight off at first because you’re getting adjusted to your new line of work (aka your new relationship). Slowly but surely you start implementing your old work into your new work. No one in the office was ever a dare devil so they can’t relate to you. In the end you feel like an outcast and start to resent your work because you’re not happy. Giving up this job might be something you regret, but if there was any logic in being a dare devil we would have less of them in the world. The accountant job was just too nice to hold on to.
5) You’re So Nice That You’re Willing To Settle
In the past I talked to various women on separate occasions about how men approach them in a bar or club setting ( Side note: if you are cool enough with someone of the opposite sex I would advise you to pick their brain on what they’re attracted to. 1)You could gain so much knowledge and 2) have a good laugh or two). When speaking about a guy they didn’t like, they would name every little flaw that plagued this man. He wasn’t attractive, he was too young, he wasn’t tall enough, and so on and so on. They would list all these reasons why he didn’t meet their standards then complain about him calling or texting too much. Wait a minute, not only did they just discredit anything bad they said about the man, they had the nerve to criticize him for showing interest when they initiated offer for interest. How dare he?! Now obviously, this isn’t the case for all or even most women. I’ve been rejected, turned down, and in some unnecessary cases embarrassed when trying to get a number. But when I asked them, “If you didn’t like him, why did you give him your number?” The answer was almost always to the affect of, “I didn’t want to be mean.” This is the problem. Being too nice can lead you into doing something that you don’t want to do (small scale: giving your number to a complete stranger. Bigger scale: staying in a dying relationship for eight months) In a previous article I wrote, Is It Ok To Have Sex On The First Date?, I stated “that most people, men and women, are on their best behavior while on the first date,” but old habits die hard. Which means first impression is everything, and even though we are on our best behavior certain bad habits can still creep out that warns you this isn’t the person for you. But because you’re so nice, you overlook those flaws and try to be optimistic about the situation. Some people even convince themselves that maybe the person will change once they get serious. That is a possible scenario, but if your too nice you more than likely will tolerate what’s bothering you. In this case, honesty is way better than caring for someone else’s feelings.
So, do nice guys/girls finish last? The verdict is… NO. Eventually you will find someone that is perfect for while also discovering who you are, what you like or don’t like, and what’s a deal breaker. Typically, when someone ends a relationship because their partner is too nice it’s because they’re at a certain point in their life where they’re also trying to figure out what they want. Case in point, both of my situations happened when I was 18 and 19 respectively. I didn’t know too much about women at the time and the results would prove that , but at least I learned from it and applied it to future relationships .
What is the hidden message behind you’re too nice? It’s simple, every relationship is about giving and taking. You have to give a little and take a little to maintain a relationship. One person doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking will have a harder time at working. My mother always told me that in a relationship, someone is always going to love their partner more than their partner will love them. The closest you can ever get 51/49 in a relationship. Some people might think that’s a bad thing. I would have to disagree. If you look at it like a challenge between the two, you both should want to prove that you love partner more than anyone in world. Trying to out do your partner keeps the relationship fresh. There will be days when you can’t stand to be on the same continent as your lover. But in the end when you’re wrapped up on a warm couch for movie night, without a care in the world, you can’t help but think how that feeling is just… too nice.
Author: Ty Mitchell
I write books and help writers get through their literary journey. I am the author of The Color of Love. Each week, I send out a newsletter with free tips on writing and creativity. Follow me on Twitter @Ty_Mitchell or on Facebook @the-vpf.