How I knew It Was Time For Me To Give Up On My Relationship
Quitters never win and winners never quit. At least that’s 100% true for sports. But for a relationship, quitting can be the next best thing for you having your sanity intact and in some cases you are a winner by quitting. It’s one thing to fight for a relationship, but when you’re fighting alone it kind of brings down your motivation. When is it ok to throw in the towel? Are you in the wrong for even considering it? Some people have different ways a gauging when the relationship is over, but mine came to me in an epiphany. It was like seeing through a foggy woodland for the first time and walking into the sunlight.
Now usually you don’t hear too much about men giving up on a relationship. They either break things off with ease, they stay in the relationship and cheat, or they’re the ones making the relationship miserable. Every now and then, you find the roles switched and the guy is wanting more. Take my relationship with a particular young lady in 2012 for example. She caught me at the right time because I was so focused on being a good guy and not revert back to my old ways. She fit perfectly in my ¾ rule. For those of you who don’t know what a ¾ rule is, I’ll tell you. I could always judge how serious I was going to be with a girl based off what she was doing with her life. At the time I had a job, a car, an apartment, and was in school. In order for me to even consider taking a relationship serious, a girl had to have at least three of the four things I was doing. She checked every box and then some. This girl was beautiful, president of her sorority chapter, gave back to community, and she knew how to work a crowd. Every time I brought her around my friends, they would always ask how did I manage to get with someone like her. It was always something that I would be mystique about, but in actuality I was wondering the same thing myself sometimes. Everything seemed perfect right? Wrong. Here’s why there was a problem.
Everything that glitters isn’t gold. I ended up falling in love with the idea of her and not the actual person. The real her was a terrible human being with bad hygiene. She wouldn’t shave, she would fart all the time while using the bathroom, and her apartment looked like it was rented by dogs (Literally dog shit everywhere), which is probably why she stayed at my place all the time. Now I’m all for comfortability in a relationship, but this was too early for her to bring this side out. But because the idea of her was so amazing, I overlooked these flaws just so I could still give off the perception of winning.
Despite being in a relationship with false hope, there was one thing that I couldn’t ignore. The sex was terrible. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. We had no chemistry. No rhythm. No passion. To add insult to injury, not only was the sex terrible, but it was also a rarity. If I had to choose between having terrible sex every day and terrible sex every now and then; I’ll take the lowercase l every time. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but it is a strong second. She didn’t give blow jobs, she didn’t like other positions, she didn’t want dirty. Now, I’m no Christian Grey by a long shot, but lift a leg up at least.
On Facebook and Instagram, we looked like the happiest couple on Earth. What nobody knew behind the scenes was that we argued almost every day. It was always something new and something stupid. Never in my 27 years of living have I won so many arguments off logic alone. One of our occurring arguments was her relationship with her Ex. They had ended a seven-year-relationship prior to me and decided to be still be friends. I had no problem with that. The problems would come when she would lie about their activities together. One night she told me she going to pick up her friend from work and take her home which she did. What she didn’t tell me was her Ex was going to be there and she had to take him home too. How did I find out? I made a simple phone call to see what she wanted to eat for dinner and she didn’t pick up. There’s nothing suspicious about missing a call, it happens all the time. But my curiosity grew because she had literally left from my apartment five minutes prior. So I called a couple of more times until she finally picked up. She answered like I was bothering her and was in a rush. A deep voice erupted from the background and that was followed by a dial tone. I called back at least 20 times with no answer. She finally came back to my place 30 minutes later and opened up with an explanation. We argued all night because of that, but I ended up letting it slide when she cried about her past and how they were always going to be friends. I consoled her and assured her that I wasn’t the jealous boyfriend type and she had to be honest with me. All the while, my foot was sliding towards the door. Slowly, but surely I was losing faith.
The last straw happened when I fell completely out of character. My girlfriend at the time said she was going to study with some friends at the library at night. It was fine with me because at the time I work the graveyard shift. When you’re up that late at night, you get bored. So I texted her to see how she was doing. She said she was still at the library on campus. Now it was 3:02 am when I sent this message. By 3:05 am, my mind had festered all the scenarios that could be happening. I went straight into “Creepy, stalking, jealous, boyfriend mode”. On my lunch break I went up to the campus library and what do you know, it was closed. Ok, maybe I just missed her. I called over and over again with no answer. “Maybe she was sleep at home,” I thought. So I went to her apartment and no one answered the door, but her car was downstairs. Weird. By this time, I’m two hours into my hour lunch break. I couldn’t find her, I couldn’t get in contact with her, and most importantly I didn’t know what I was doing and with who. It wasn’t until the wee hours of the day that the sun started to come up and my epiphany was found. For some reason, I just didn’t care anymore. My stress was lifted. My sanity was reassembled. I went back to work like nothing happened. Late that afternoon she texted me about what happened saying she fell asleep at a friend’s house and whatever else her paragraph entailed. I replied with a simple “Ok.” She had the nerve to ask me was something wrong. I called her and explained why we can’t be together. I hung up and like a recovering crack addict, I went through my contacts and found someone who I haven’t spoken to in a while. She came over and reminded me of who I was.
The next day, the rebound girl left my apartment minutes before my Ex-girlfriend came to pick up her stuff. I remember that last conversation like it was yesterday. Surprisingly she begged for a second chance. She said things would be different and she promised to change. As I stood there with the aroma of last night’s lust all over me, I couldn’t help but feel a certain liberation about myself. It’s funny how when our relationship dangled over the cliff; she was at her sincerest. But it was too late. I was mentally out of that relationship for months. I wished her well and we parted ways. There was no bad blood between us. I ended up living my life and I heard she started a family with her first boyfriend. Happy endings for the most part.
I could have avoided the months wasted if I was would have just knew when to walk away. When was that moment you might ask? Well there were a couple of moments. Number one, no one should compromise who they are and what they’ll tolerate in a relationship just to be with someone. I did that on numerous occasions just because I loved the idea of this girl and how she made me look in the public eye. Meanwhile, I was miserable on the inside. It was almost like a second job being in a relationship with her. You should come first before you commit to anyone in a relationship. And the other moment when I knew it was time for me to give up was when I became someone I didn’t recognize. I was pushed to a limit that I never thought I would get to and I didn’t like it. Going out late in the night looking for people isn’t me and shouldn’t be anyone that doesn’t have a badge. I knew it was time for me to give up on my relationship when my individuality was compromised. Never give up who you are to be in a relationship that isn’t worth your time.
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Author: Ty Mitchell
I write books and help writers get through their literary journey. I am the author of The Color of Love. Each week, I send out a newsletter with free tips on writing and creativity. Follow me on Twitter @Ty_Mitchell or on Facebook @the-vpf.